Managing Criticism and Complaints
by Jim Sparks
Why Criticism and Complaints Come in Ministry
1. It has been, for centuries, the Sunday dinner pass-time of choice. otherwise known as
"Roast Pastor". Too often people prefer to complain rather than solve the problems.
2. Men and women make mistakes, so there's always something to talk about.
3. Complaints often come in response to life's stresses.
4. In the church, people care deeply. Unfortunately this often means that they want
everything to remain the same.
5. For some, criticisms come as a result of the "pursuit of closeness". Some
parishioners want to be close to their Pastor but don't know how.
6. The consumer mentality is all around us. We live in a service oriented society where
people have expectations that their own needs and wants will be fulfilled.
When There Is Criticism of the Pastor, remember:
1. The Pastor draws criticism like a lightening rod on the roof.
2. Criticism expresses unmet needs rather than failure of the Pastor.
3. Responding to criticism should be a shared ministry.
4. We should practice in church what is done in business - take complaints seriously.
5. Never give or receive an unsigned criticism.
6. When handling indirect criticism ("This isn't just my complaint, I've heard several
people say this"), understand that the person coming with the complaint is really
coming with their own message. Listen, but do not ask who the others are. Ask for
clarification, seek understanding, and soon the person will let you know what is their
own, real complaint.
Three Ways to Deal with the Chronic Complainer
1. Avoidance - but this will only result in an increase in the behavior. Usually, chronic
complainers do not feel they are a part, and are searching for self-esteem.
2. Confrontation - "It seems that every time I hear from you, I hear a complaint."
3. Love the person.
When working with parishioners, Pastors should remember:
1. Most parishioners are nice people, and we should take that for granted.
2. Misunderstandings and irritations happen.
3. We may not be able to choose reactions, but we can always choose responses.
4. The Pastor is the key to attempting resolution when there has been a
confrontation.
A Right and a Wrong Way to Communicate Criticism
Here's a sample criticism between a member and Program Director for a
service club. This club of about 60 meets weekly, and the members take
turns providing a program.
Bob: Hey Nancy, what in the world's the matter with this organization? Why
can't you get your act straight? Why don't you give members any notice
about when they're supposed to do their programs? Two days ago I get a
post card telling me it's my turn. A post card! Two days! Every week I
come and support the club, don't you think I could get a phone call so I
could have at least a week to get something together? And you know, I'm
not the only one who's upset about this! No wonder we're always getting
such lame programs, most of the time there isn't a program at all, and
when there is there's no microphone provided, you can't hardly hear what
the guy's saying - and then they don't have sense to quit on time. This is
the pits.
Nancy: What can I say? I don't like the way things are going either. I'm
sorry.
Now here's a better way for this exchange to take place:
Bob: Hi Nancy. Say, I just got this post card notice about my Rotary
program, do you have a minute to talk about it?
Nancy: Of course, what's the problem?
Bob: Well, the way I see it is this: members aren't getting adequate notice
for when their program is supposed to be. In my case, by the time I looked
at my mail, I only had two days to get a program together.
Nancy: You're right, Bob, that really is a problem.
Bob: Please understand, I'm not trying to make your job any harder, it's just
that we only get to provide a program once a year, and, at least speaking for
myself, I'd like to do a little better than just throw something together.
Nancy: You have a very good point there. What do you think could be
done?
Bob: For starters, maybe the list could be published quarterly with a phone
call reminder the week before. I don't know, I just think we'd all feel better
about the programs if we could take care of this.
Nancy: I tell you what. I'll bring it up at the next Board meeting and let you
know how we're going to take care of this. Thanks for bringing it to my
attention.
Managing Criticism and Complaints
by Jim Sparks, Professor of Health and Human Issues at the University of Wisconsin-
Madison
If you do anything in your work or private life that impacts someone else, criticism is
always possible, and likely.
When criticism comes to you, do you view it as a failure or opportunity?
It's not what you know that makes the difference in how you handle criticism and
confrontations, but HOW you apply what you know.
Most so called "conflicts" are not conflicts at all. Rather, they're complaints gone sour,
resulting in emotional clashes by two otherwise reasonable people. Eruptions of a
volatile emotional nature may be compared to the contemporary phenomenon, "Road
Rage."
Criticism often feels like a stab in the heart, or back. Criticism often puts self esteem
and self confidence into a state of emergency, especially when the criticism is toward
what we feel to be our areas of strength. It's impossible, or at least unwise to just "shrug
it off", to declare "it's nothing."
A quote by Henri Nowen:
"I hardly remember what it was, but a small critical remark and a few irritations during
my work in the bakery were enough to tumble me head over heels into a deep, morose
mood. Many hostile feelings were triggered and a long sequence of morbid
associations. I felt worse and worse about myself, my past, my work, and all the people
who came to mind. But happily I saw myself tumbling and was amazed how little was
needed to lose my peace of mind and to pull my whole world out of perspective. O how
vulnerable I am!"
Develop A Strategy for Criticism
A. Be a criticism manager, not a victim or a bully.
The victim: feels powerless, blames others, wants to change others, and prefers
resentment to confronting issues.
The bully: feels threatened, blames others, needs to be right, prefers intimidation to
confronting the issues.
The manager: may feel threatened and off balance, practices good resolution skills,
prefers resolution of the issues rather than resentment or intimidation.
"I MANAGE CRITICISM WHEN MY . . .
. . . attitude toward the other person is respectful, even if I'm angry.
. . . attitude is to look for opportunity.
. . . focus is on getting accurate information to the other person in a timely
manner.
. . . focus is on problem solving
. . . delivery is upbeat and constructive.
. . . When I've carefully prepared my delivery to communicate what I intend."
"I BULLY WHEN . . .
. . . I use criticism to punish or put the other person down.
. . . I present criticism or complaint as the other person's failure.
. . . I distort information or withhold it for whatever reason.
. . . I'm only trying to find fault.
. . . I attack with explosive and hurtful anger.
. . . I shoot from the hip."
The confronter, the one who comes with the angry complaint or criticism, usually
carries a loaded verbal message that hooks the other person's loaded hearing. This
sets off a reactive behavior wired to the trigger loaded message. This results in a
loss of emotional balance. What results is two people temporarily out of control with
their emotions, two defensive people on a collision course. The need is to regain
balance so as to focus on the complainer and his message.
Put into practice the 70/30 rule - put 70% into self awareness - "what's going on in
me?" and 30% into awareness of the other party.
Managing confrontations requires that we not get caught up in the other person's
emotions. There are skills we can practice and apply.
Stay the course with self-talk messages: "This too shall pass", "I don't have to lose
control", "I need to be quiet".
Get some distance between you and the situation. The question is, "Do I want to
react or respond?" Reaction mostly comes out of instinct, without thinking, and with
anger or fear. On the other hand, to respond is to act out of choice. At least, I have a
choice to either say something or not. It's usually best to choose to keep quiet and
take the other person seriously.
Remember the "magic word" - When you hear criticism, think "Information." When
someone is unhappy with something, they are communicating information about you
or them.
B. Have a plan to handle complaints
1. Listen to the complaint, let the other person unburden and get rid of stored up
frustration. This is why emotional balance is needed - we can only listen when we're
not defending. We need to be able to extract the complaint facts from the anger.
2. Provide sympathy and concern,
Acknowledge
Indicate Regret
"I'm sorry that happened"
"That shouldn't have happened"
"You're right, this is a real problem"
Display Empathy
"I can understand why you're upset"
"I can tell you've had a tough time"
"I can see why you're discouraged"
3. Don't justify
Don't come out fighting; don't try to justify, or turn sympathy into a request for
sympathy.
4. Ask questions
Ask, "What action is called for?"
Remember that "Why?" questions spoken in anger are really statements of
complaint. Don't respond to such questions, but try to draw the person out so
you can find out what the real need is.
5. Agree on a course of action
A customer or church member who gives a complaint is giving you a chance to make things right. Get
them to agree on a course of action.
6. Follow up - say what you will do and when you will do it.
7. Check back, if at all possible.
C. Know what makes you sweat, what causes defensiveness.
Stages of Defensiveness
1. Trauma, or shock - "look straight, don't break". Just stay quiet. Trying to get your
message out while the other person is beating up on you is a waste. Ask yourself, "How
did I feel during the incident?" "What were the physical symptoms?" What did I say or
do?"
2. Brooding, which produces self blame, obsession ("If only . . .") or fantasy (early
retirement, time to change jobs). Ask, "How did I feel after the incident?" "How did I
react physically?"
Recognize this is part of the grieving process. Remember that it may be o.k. to "zap"
the person in your mind, but don't do it in your actions. Engage in exercising and be
with a friend.
3. Recovery - what have I learned, and what would I do differently?
Ask: "Now that you can look back on the incident, how do I feel?" "Has there been
closure to the incident?"
D. Don't let complaints blind side you.
Before criticism hits you unexpectedly, ask for it.
Ask yourself - "Do I really want to know what's going on?
"Is it easy for people to tell me things?"
"Do I reward people for telling the truth?"
If the answer to these questions is "yes", then ask:
"What should I keep on doing?"
"What should I do more of?"
"What should I do less of, or stop doing?"
E. Carefully prepare the criticism you need to give:
Mentally, understand what it is that troubles you most about giving criticism.
Usually, it's this, "I don't want to hurt their feelings." Accept the reality, you will
always hurt their feelings, there is no way to avoid it.
Understand why it is easier to back off than to confront the problems.
Afraid of the other person?
Afraid of hurting the other person?
Afraid of your own feelings?
Need to be liked?
Afraid of losing your own emotional balance and lose control?
Afraid you don't have the skills?
Were taught to be nice?
Ask: "How can I communicate this information so that the person will view it as
useful?"
Choose where, when and how I will give this criticism.
Plan your presentation by filling out the sheet "Giving Criticism: Plan Before You
Speak"
Confrontation and Criticism is not a matter of . . .
tact, diplomacy or smoothness of tongue.
Rather, it is a matter of . . .
Simplicity of Speech,
Empathy of Attitude, and
Honesty in Response.
Giving Criticism: Plan Before You Speak
If you need to give a criticism or complaint, this form might help you say what you
intend. It's important to write down your response to each item so you can see it, reflect
on it, and change it if necessary. Please use a pencil with an eraser or enter into a
computer and copy.
Name _____________________________________ Date _________
1. The issue or problem as I see it: ____________________________
_________________________________________________________
2. Recent example(s): ______________________________________
_________________________________________________________
3. How this issue or problem affects me or the work setting: ______
_________________________________________________________
4. What I want or need to be changed: _________________________
_________________________________________________________
5. If I don't speak up, what will be the result: ____________________
_________________________________________________________
6. Possible ways of approaching this issue: ____________________
a. ____________________________________________________
b. ____________________________________________________
c. ____________________________________________________
7. Best time for this issue to be addressed: _____________________
8. Proposed action and follow up: _____________________________
_________________________________________________________
9. My back-up plan if the issue or problem remains unresolved: ____
_________________________________________________________
When You Have to Say No
We've heard it many times: "The customer's always right." But what if the customer is
not right and you can't satisfy the customer's needs or demands?
When your customer makes impossible of unrealistic demands of you or your staff, they
usually know it. But they're angry - probably feel they have been unfairly treated - and
need to let off steam. Congratulations, you or your coworkers have been chosen.
Remember also these angry customers will usually pick the most inconvenient time to
deliver their anger - when the line at the counter is six deep, the phone's ringing, and you
were about to take a rest room break. What to do?
1. More than any other time, keep your cool and let the customer vent his or her anger.
2. If you can invite the customer to a private place when both of you can be seated, this
will help calm the anger.
3. Don't be too quick to say "no" or deny the demand. Time is on your side.
4. Don't appeal to "policies" or organizational "rules" to take you off the hook. If your
having to say "no" is based on laws or ordinances (insurance, for example), say so as
clearly and firmly as possible without scolding or arguing. You can say, "It's a decision
of our board."
5. Try to educate the customer as to why your "No" means "No" - being aware that your
customer may attempt to argue.
6. If your "N0" is the last word, say this up front and appeal to the customer's sense of
fair play. Try saying, "I know this is not what you want to hear, and I hope you will accept
the answer we have to give.
7. If there is someone in your organization who does have the final word, offer that as an
alternative answer. This in no way diminishes your responsibility or authority. "You can
say, "I can see that my answer is not satisfactory, you should see ___________."
8. Remember that a customer can threaten to take the matter to the legal system in a
lawsuit. That's the customer's right, and you need not feel defensive or argumentative.
Try saying to the customer, "Feeling as strongly as you do about this, taking legal action
may be the best answer for you right now. If you have further questions, please let me
know."
Handling Abusive Situations
1. Verbal abusers who shout, rant, rave and call names are out of control. Don't join
them.
2. If the attack is in public, put up your hand in a STOP signal and motion the individual
to follow you to a private place.
3. Use repetitive verbal interventions to constructively redirect the individual's attention
from his/her anger.
Examples:
"I can see how strongly you feel, is there another way we can talk about this?"
"Shouting and name calling is not helpful. Let's talk about this in a different way."
"I'm sure you don't mean to be rude. Now help me to more clearly understand the
problem."
4. Last resort techniques:
"I'm offended by your behavior. When you've gotten control of yourself, we'll talk
again." And walk away.
"I don't appreciate this . . . ."
5. Hot confrontations put mind, body, and spirit on full alert.
6. Reflect afterwards by writing down the other person's words and your own responses
and interventions. What, if anything, could you have done differently? What esteem-
saving tactics did you apply? (Not justifying, not breaking eye contact.)
7. Keep a record of abusive incidents.
8. After the heat has cooled, always follow through with the individual to put resolution or
closure to the incident. When you take the initiative you strengthen your own self
esteem.
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