Good Morning Bill and Sue:

The sky is turning a brilliant but somewhat hazy pink. It's beautiful as the light filters through colored leaves, but I wonder if it's true, "Red sky at morning, Sailor's warning."

With the weather, whatever comes, that's what we have to accept. The only control available to us is our ability, to a certain extent, to shelter ourselves, to "get in out of the rain".

However, in human affairs it's very different. It may seem there is no control, but that's only true if we believe that lie.

Listen to me. At this time you both have this in common - a perception that events, circumstances and feelings have dictated a deathly downward spiral, an inverted tornado, sucking all you hold dear into a black hole. And you're crying "victim". "There's nothing I can do to stop it." You're believing a lie.

The command not to commit adultery, for a man not to divorce his wife, is not merely a law, it's an enablement. What boss would ask a job to be done without providing both tools and materials? Whatever God requires, He at the same times gives us the ability to do what He's asked. If He expects us to build, maintain or repair a marriage, He also provides everything that is needed to do the job. There's no other way to put it: "I can't do that" is a devilish lie.

Of course it gets complicated and difficult. There are long standing conditions which have brought you to this point. Possibly you silently allowed the drift, or if one spoke with some alarm, the other chose not to respond. Why? If the engine is missing, if the breaks are grinding, if the exhaust is leaking into the car, don't you take it to the mechanic? Or if your BMW goes over the cliff, don't you call the tow truck and have it hauled to the body shop? Certainly your marriage is more valuable than a BMW.

So, what are you going to do? You have control over your entry into the black hole. If you continue to "act and react", you both, along with your children, will be plummeted into a long term living hell.

Regardless of what financial generosity Bill musters, Sue will survive on a very meager existence; she and her children will hover just below the poverty line for years. She will receive full physical custody of her children (splitting up the children is not an option for any reasonable person), but she will have to be both mother and father to them, and do this double job within a few minutes of interaction each day due to her need to work long hours just to provide shelter and food. Her children will wear "yard-sale" clothes, except for the gifts the relatives may provide out of pity.

At first the kids will see Bill every other weekend, and because of their every other weekend absence, they will lose the opportunity to be brought up in a caring church. In spite of promises made to the contrary, after a while schedules will conflict, other interests will intervene, and the visits will become less frequent. If Sue is forced to leave the present house, distance will become the excuse for less frequent visits. When Bill wants his children to be with him, he will have to go pick them up, and bring them back.

Meanwhile, the children will react with either depression or by behavior problems. Many children have been known to have signs of clinical depression a full 10 years after the divorce of their parents. If they "act out", it's to get the affection and attention their parents no longer provide. No one can possibly predict what form this acting out will take: lower grades, fights, pre-marital sex, alcohol. They will blame themselves for their parent's break up, and will lose the security needed to enable them to form good lasting relationships. The feeling of having been abandoned by the most significant male in their life will result in these children not wanting to trust again.

Those who claim that the resilience of children will enable them to cope without any harm are just not being real.

Life will go on.

If Bill remarries, he may ultimately inherit the responsibility to parent another man's child, and most likely will father another child by this new wife - now he will have "hers" and "theirs", all the while trying to alleviate the guilt of abandoning "his" by buying expensive things for them. And eventually this new marriage will repeat the pattern of the last, and a way of escape will be sought again.

If Bill doesn't remarry, he will soon become aware that he is approaching retirement years as a very lonely man. He will hardly know his grandchildren.

If Sue remarries, she will set up a competitive field where her children will despise this new man because he is stealing affection from her that ought to be theirs. This new man, try hard as he can, will never win - they will always be his "step" children, and he will come to despise them because of their rejection of him. Unbearable strain will come to that marriage because this new father will attempt to control the acting out of these children, but his ways of discipline will not be acceptable to Sue. Inevitably the children will succeed in causing their mother and step father to fight. They secretly hope this will drive their mother and real father back together.

College years will arrive, but who will get them through? If they follow the predictable pathway of anger and depression, their high school grades won't help earn scholarships. Maybe they'll be self motivated enough to work their way through school; or maybe they'll drop out and get a low paying job, and marry someone else in the same emotional and financial condition, and repeat the pattern set by their own parents. Heart break will become institutionalized.

"No way", you say. "We won't let that happen." But if you're not willing to exercise your God-given abilities to solve the problems between yourself and one other human being - your husband, your wife - then it's foolish to think that you'll solve the more complex problems you're heading into. Why? Because: 1) out-of-control emotions will block good thinking and wise counsel; 2) the communication required to develop good decisions will not be available; 3) many additional persons will be involved, all with their own needs, wants, agendas and expectations.

It would appear this little letter is "too little too late". Bill has the papers craftily drawn by a Yale graduate. Sue's lawyer will get hooked on this one, needing a win for his or her ego. The process will drag on for months.

Perhaps this car called "marriage" has been long neglected, and the breakdown seemed inevitable. But if one is willing to pay the price, any car can be restored. The situation is compounded because Bill's emotional fire has evidently been lit by another woman. The world says, "no problem". "A woman is like a car - ditch the old and get a new one." "Your happiness is what's most important - go for it." But the problem is, Bill has a conscience that has been conditioned by principles given in God's Word. He can't think like the world thinks, without a large measure of guilt. Happiness will fade once the apple is plucked. Guilt is a demon that cannot be exorcised because it is placed there by God Himself.

"Other people get over it," you will hear. If you could only sit where I sit, and listen to the people I listen to, you would disagree violently.

Scripture says, "he (or she) who knows to do good, and does not do it, to him (or her) it is sin." The good here is the restoration (perhaps resuscitation) of your marriage. It is in your God given power to do this. Both of you must chose to exert all energy needed, and you will not only save yourselves, but also your children, their children, and your old age. If one of you chooses not to do "the good", that person will suffer the full consequences of the law, and like gravity, it will cause a terrible fall, crash and burn. The full measure of God's grace will only be provided to those who comply with his commands.

Without a doubt, there's a large sum of money to be squandered in divorce proceedings if that's the decision that is made. Far better to invest that money in the redevelopment of a marriage which has the potential to bring authentic happiness for many years to come.