A Bit of Humor
by Dr. Neil Chadwick
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Page 7 of 25
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by John Godfrey Saxe
It was 6 men of Indostan to learning much inclined
Who went to see an elephant tho' all of them were blind
That each by observation might satisfy his mind!
The first approached the elephant, and happening to fall
Against his broad and sturdy side, At once began to bawl,
"God bless me! But the elephant is nothing but a wall"
The second feeling of the tusk, Cried: "Ho, what have we here?
So very round and smooth and sharp, to me it's mighty clear
This wonder of an elephant is very like a spear!"
The third approached the animal and happening to take
The squirming trunk within his hands, thus boldly up and spake
"I see," quoth he, "The elephant is very like a snake."
The fourth reached out his cagey hand and felt about the knee,
"What must this wondrous beast be like, s mighty plain", said he,
"Tis clear enough the elephant, is very like a tree."
The fifth who chanced to touch the ear, said, "Even the blindest man
Can tell what this resembles most, deny the fact-who can?
This marvel of an elephant is very like a fan!"
The sixth no sooner had begun about the beast to grope,
hen seizing on the swinging tail, that fell within his scope.
"To me," quoth he, "the elephant is very like a rope."
And so these men of Indostan disputed loud and long;
Each in his own opinion exceeding stiff and strong.
Though each was partly in the right, and all were in the wrong.
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"Once there was a Christian, he had a pious look
His consecration was complete except his pocketbook.
He'd go to Church and give his dollar and meekly close his eyes.
So glad his weekly rent was paid for his mansion in the skies."
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DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart
to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him/her.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though
they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything
we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to
your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make
those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
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A Robe and a Milkman
Early on Saturday morning, a man heard the milkman at the door so he hastily grabbed his
wife's robe, threw it on and went to the door. The milkman embraced him and
kissed him, then turned and ran off when he realized the mistake he'd made.
"Hmmm," says the homeowner, "The milkman's wife must have
a robe like this!"
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A Courtin' With A Light
A farm hand asked the farmer for a lantern to go "a
courtin'. The farmer laughed and says "We never needed a lantern
in my day."
"Yes," says the farm hand, "and look what you got!"
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God's Will
A farmer was on his way to town to buy a cow. On the way he stopped for a brief visit with his neighbor who was a Christian. "Where are you going today," the neighbor asked. "I'm going to town to but a cow." Well actually, the Christian neighbor instructed, you ought to say, 'the Lord willing, I'm going to town to buy a cow.'" "What do you mean, I have the money, they have the cow, I'm going to town to buy a cow." With that, he resumed his walk. Just before reaching the town, the farmer was mugged, his money stolen, and he was left unconscious by the side of the road. When he finally came too, and realizing all his money was gone, he started to limp back towards home. The Christian neighbor saw him coming, and hastened to help. After hearing the story, the Christian farmer asked, "So now what are you going to do?' "Well, the Lord willing, I'm going home."
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Money doesn't bring you happiness,
but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong,
but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.
Misers aren't much fun to live with,
but they make great ancestors.
Be careful what rut you choose.
You may be in it the rest of your life.
The trouble with bucket seats is that
not everybody has the same size bucket.
When you see the handwriting on the wall,
you can bet you're in a public restroom.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
The real reason you can't take it with you
is that it goes before you do.
A person who can smile when things go wrong
has found someone to blame it on.
A modern pioneer is a person who can get through a rainy
Saturday when the television's on the blink.
The world is full of willing people:
some willing to work and some willing to let them.
Money isn't everything....
there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
Some people are like blisters.
They don't show up until the work is done.
A true friend is one that lets his grass grow
as tall as his neighbor's.
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult
while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost.
Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
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A pastor listened outside the Sunday School room door while the children recited their memory verse. One little boy repeated it this way, "Laughter does good like a medicine should."
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The Sunday School children had been asked to draw a Christmas nativity scene. When the teacher reviewed what they had done, she noticed that one picture, in addition to Mary, Joseph, Angels, Shepherds and Wisemen, also had a rather plump man standing off to the side. So the young artist was asked to explain who this was. "Oh," he said, "that's round John virgin".
Return to the Top of this Page ------------------------------------------------ Lot's Wife The teacher was in the middle of telling the Bible story of Lot's rescue from the sinful cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. When she came to the part about Lot's wife, she said, "And Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt." A little boy's hand shot up. "That's nothing. Last week when my mother was driving to the store, she looked back and turned into a telephone pole."
Return to the Top of this Page ------------------------------------------------ Of The Devil Two drunken men were sitting at the local bar when one turned to the other and asked, "What do you think of that 'speaking in tongues' thing? "I think it's of the devil," replied the other man, "what do you think?" "I don't know, but I don't think it's of the devil, because if it was, you and me would have it."
Return to the Top of this Page ------------------------------------------------ Preacher's Pay Is Best Four little boys were bragging about their fathers' work, and how much money each made. The first boy said, "My father is a writer, he just writes a few lines on a piece of paper, calls it 'poetry', and gets $10.00 for it." The second boy quickly spoke up, "So, my father just writes some dots on some lines, calls it music, and gets $50.00 for it." The next boy said, "That's nothing, my father just takes a few minutes to brush some paint on a canvas, calls it art, and sells it for $100.00." After a brief silence, the fourth boy speaks up, "Well my dad has yours all beat. He's a pastor, and all he does is write a few words on a piece of paper on Saturday night, read them in church on Sunday morning, and it takes four big men to carry all the money out of the church."
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A pastor drove out into the country to visit one of his parishioners, a farmer. As he approached the farm, he noticed the man along side of the road, leaning over the fence gazing out at his expansive field of corn, nearly ready for harvest. As the pastor approached, the farmer exclaimed, "Look at this, isn't it beautiful?" "Well I think you should be careful not to be too boastful," the Pastor noted. "After all, it is God who created this field." "Maybe so," the farmer replied. "But you should have seen this field when God had it all to Himself."
Return to the Top of this Page ------------------------------------------------ Wake Up Call A certain pastor was upset with a man in his congregation who was frequently going to sleep during the sermon, so the pastor decided to teach the man a lesson. Near the end of the sermon, the pastor, in a normal voice said, "If there's anyone here this morning who wants to go to hell . . .", he began - then raising his voice to a near shout, continued, PLEASE STAND UP." The sleeping gentleman, startled from his slumber, sprang to his feet. Then he slowly looked around and then said, "Well, Pastor, I'm not sure why it is that I'm standing, but it looks like it's you and I are in the same boat." Return to the Top of this Page ------------------------------------------------
A group of parachute trainees were being taken up for their first time. The instructor gave the last minute instructions: "After you jump, count to 8 and pull the rip chord. If the chute doesn't open, pull the chord back up parachute. After you reach the ground, a green truck will be there tobring you back to the airport." When it came time for Joe to jump, he did as he had been instructed. After counting to 8, he pulled the rip chord, but the parachute didn't open. So he pulled the back up chord, but that didn't open either. With deep disappointment Joe said to himself, "With my luck, probably the green truck won't be there either." Return to the Top of this Page ------------------------------------------------
Abraham is trying to load Windows 95 on his computer. His son, Isaac, walks in and says, "Dad, what are you doing? You can't load Windows 95 on to your computer! You need at least a 486 with 14 megs of memory; you only have a 386 with no available memory." And Abraham said, "Don't worry, son, God will provide the Ram." Return to the Top of this Page
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A sophmore taking a test in Bible School was not well prepared for the exam. At one point over a particularly esoteric phrasing of a question, he wrote, "ONLY GOD KNOWS!" for his answer. Later when he got his paper back, there written in RED was this comment, "God gets an "A", you get an "F".
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