A Bit of Humor
by Dr. Neil Chadwick
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Page 8 of 25
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An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the the artist......"Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond
necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex. "
"But you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my
husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want
his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
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There's the story of the man who was doing his bank business at the local Bank when he caught sight of the "Death Angel" waiting by the outside door. Being somewhat alarmed, he went out the other door and walked around the building to his car and hastily drove home.
When he came into the kitchen, his wife noted that his face was all white, and she asked what the matter was.
He said, "I just saw the death angel."
"So what are you going to do," she asked.
"I'm getting out of town as fast as I can - I'll go to my brother's in Ashfield."
Unbelieving, as soon as his car pulled out of the drive way, the wife rushed down to the bank. Sure enough, there was the Death Angel, still standing by the door. Being more bold than her husband, she walked up to the Angel and told him that her husband had been very frightened to see him there.
The Death Angel replied, "Well actually, I was also somewhat surprised to see your husband here. I was sure I had an appointment with him later today in Ashfield."
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An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. St. Peter checked his dossier and said, Ah, you're an engineer. Youre in the wrong place. So the engineer reported to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer got dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and started designing and building improvements. After a while they had air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer became a pretty popular guy. One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are going great. Weve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and theres no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replied, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have been sent down there. Send him up here." Satan said, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God said, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughed uproariously and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You have the right to remain silent; anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Pardon my driving, I am reloading. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Atheism is a non-prophet organization. On the other hand - - - you have different fingers.
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You're Not a Kid Anymore When . . . You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. Your back goes out more than you do. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You are proud of your lawn mower. Your best friend is dating someone half his age, and nobody says he's robbing the cradle. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. You sing along with the elevator music. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. You make an appointment to see the dentist. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. Neighbors borrow your tools. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?" You have a dream about prunes. You answer a question with, "Because I said so!" You send money to PBS. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. You take a metal detector to the beach. You wear black socks with sandals. You know what the word "equity" means. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. Your ears are hairier than your head. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You got cable for the weather channel. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. You take a nap to get ready for bed.
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At the local hang out, the owner was so sure that he was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet". After the laughter had died down, the owner said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the owner paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
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Two bachelor brothers shared a house, but having different schedules, seldom ate together. However, one Sunday afternoon they both happened to be at home, so they decided to fix a meal together. When it was all prepared, they sat down across from each other, said grace, and began to serve themselves. When it came time to put the meat on their plates, they noticed that one of the two steaks was much smaller than the other. So the older brother said, "Go ahead, help yourself", thinking that his brother would generously take the smaller of the two pieces of meat. "No, you're the older, you go ahead first." They went back and forth this way several times until finally the younger brother reached out with his fork, stabbed the larger, juicy steak, and plopped it on his plate. "Well, I don't believe it", exclaimed his brother. "You certainly are the selfish one, taking the larger steak for yourself." "What would you have done?" inquired the younger brother as he bit into his first piece of steak. "Well, of course I would have taken the smaller piece." "Then what in the world are you complaining about, after all, you got what you wanted."
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The Man on the diner stool complained to the waitress about how bad the coffee was, "It tastes like mud", he moaned. "Well, what do you expect, it was just ground this morning."
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The four sons of a rather strict father were called in for some serious questioning. It seems the back yard out-house had been toppled, and the father was determined to find, and punish the culprit. Starting with the oldest son, he grilled each boy; but each of the four looked their father in the eye and claimed complete innocence. So the father went down the line again, now with considerable anger and threats, but with no better success. Then he decided on a different tactic, and recited to his sons the story of George Washington. "When he was a child, George cut down the cherry tree, but because he told his father the truth, he didn't get punished. Now whoever pushed over the out-house, I want you to be like our great Founding Father, and step up to tell the truth." The strategy worked. Two of the boys, Jim, the oldest, and Joe, the youngest, both stepped up and confessed that they together had pushed over the out-house. The father immediately spanked eah of the two culprits until they both howled. When they settled down, Joe said to his father, "I don't understand why we got this licking. George Washington told the truth and was not punished. Why did we get punished?" "Simple", the father replied, "George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
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Pulling his rig into the parking lot of a small road-side diner, the truck driver went in, sat up on the stool, and ordered a Turkey Club sandwich. A few minutes later, just after his food had been brought to him, a group of 10 bikers walked into the diner. The arrogant leader walked up to where the trucker was sitting, grabbed the sandwich from the plate, and finished it off in three quick bites while the others watched and snickered. The truck driver said nothing, but got up, paid for the bill, and walked out of the diner. "He sure wasn't much of a man," the biker leader scoffed. "No", spoke up the owner who had been standing behind the counter watching all that was taking place. "He's not much of a truck driver either - it looks like he just backed his rig over 10 motorcycles!"
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A large family of 7 children were quite poor - they rarely saw any meat on their supper table. One night as they came to the table, 8 year old Sammy noticed that in the stew was one piece of chicken meat, a wing. While his father said grace, Sammy said to himself, "As soon as my father finishes the prayer, I'm going to get me that chicken wing." And so when the "Amen" was said, Sammy thrust out his hand, only to have it immediately pierced by 8 forks.
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A drunken man was walking along the side of the road with one foot on the curb, and the other on the road. A passerby called to him, "Why are you walking like that, with one foot on the curb, and the other on the road?" "Oh, thnk you, thank you," the drunken man called back. "All along I thought I was lame."
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David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown
with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an
expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and
set a good example... Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the
bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation,
David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming,
then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have
hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm
sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I
ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to
ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued:
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
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I think that I shall never see A hazard rougher than a tree; A tree o'er which my ball must fly, If on the green it is to lie. A tree which stands the green to guard, And makes a shot extremely hard. A tree whose leafy arms extend To kill the 9-iron shot I send. A tree that stands in silence there, While angry golfers rave and swear. Tennis was made for fools like me, Who cannot even miss a tree!
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