A Bit of Humor
by Dr. Neil Chadwick
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Page 9 of 25
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This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a U.S. naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October
1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of Naval Operations
10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to advoid a
collison.
Canadians : Recommended you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to
advoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again, divert YOUR course.
Americans:This is the Aircraft Carrier U.S.S. Lincoln, the second largest
ship in the United States' Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by
three Destroyers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you
change your course by 15 degrees North, Or counter-measures WILL
be taken to ensure the safty of THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a light house, your call...........
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A minister came to church with a big bandage on his chin, and of
course people asked questions. Finally he responded, "Well, to tell
you the truth, I was thinking about my sermon this morning and I cut
my face shaving."
After listening to the sermon, one of the more "straight
shooters" in the congregation said, "Pastor next week, perhaps you
could concentrate on your face and shave the Sermon!"
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Preacher: "This church is just like a baby, and every baby
has to learn to crawl."
The congregation shouts out, "Amen Preach, let her crawl.."
The Precher continues: "But nobody stays a
baby forever. After a while this church is going to stand
and walk."
Congregation: "Amen, Preach it--Let her walk."
Preacher goes on: "And after a while this church
is not just going to stand or walk, it's going to run!"
Congregation: "Amen Preach, let her run."
Preacher: "And in order for this Church to run it
needs to give!"
Congregation: "Let her crawl Preach, Let her crawl"
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A young lion was chasing a hunter, but didn't catch him, which caused the older lions to make fun of him. "Well," said the Lion, "you have to remember, I was runnin' for my dinner, He was runnin' for his life!"
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Heard about the guy who decides to take a short cut home through the graveyard, not realizing there's a freshly dug grave out there awaiting him in the dark? Sure enough, he falls right in. At first he tries to jump out - no way. He tries screaming to the top of his lungs - soon he's hoarse, so he decides to wait until morning when the grave diggers will show up for work. After a while he thinks he hears someone coming but he can't be sure. Before he really has time to think about it, he sees another guy stumbling into the same grave. He doesn't say a word as he observes the 2nd guy jumping and scratching at the dirt walls. The 2nd guy leans over exhausted, obviously counting up his options. So the first guy, there in the middle of the graveyard, in the middle of the dark says, "It's no use buddy, you'll never get out of here." You know what? He did!
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A young boy comes into the feed store and says, "Hey mithter do you thell thiken Theed?" The store clerk answers, "I'm not gonna sell you any until you learn to say it right." This goes on for 4 days, when finally the kid comes in but says nothing. The clerk says, "Well what can you say today?" "Ecthcuse me thir, could you buy a dead Thicken?"
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It seems that the following edition of a portion of the Book of Genesis was discovered among the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?" And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility." And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care, one way or the other.
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A man receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium-he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replies no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
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ANNOUNCING: the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device
otherwise known as the BOOK.
It's a revolutionary breakthrough in
technology: no wires, no electronic circuits, no batteries, nothing to
be connected or switched on.
It's so easy to use even a child can
operate it. Just lift cover. Compact and portable, it can be used
anywhere - even sitting in an armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful
enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.
Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered
sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits
of information.
These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device
called a binding which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By
using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in
half.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly
into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.
The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it.
The "Browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move
forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature,
which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for
instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the
exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been
closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single
BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Portable,
durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the
future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in
popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic
Intercommunication Language Stylus.....
Hope you enjoyed reading about this new technological advance.
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Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathered them around Him and taught them saying: "Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." "Blessed are the meek, Blessed are they that mourn, Blessed are the merciful, Blessed are they that thirst after righteousness. Blessed are you when persecuted, Blessed are you when you suffer, Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in Heaven." Then Simon Peter said, "Are we supposed to know all this?" And Andrew said, "So we have to write all this down?" And James said, "Will we have a test on this?" And Phillip said, "I don't have any paper." And Judas said, " How much credit does this give me?" And Matthew said, "May I go to the bathroom?" And Bathelomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?" And Simon said, "May I borrow a pencil?" And Judas Iscariot said, "What does this have to do with real life?" And James the Lesser said, "Now what was that again?" Then one of the Pharisees, who was present, asked to see Jesus' lesson plan and inquired of Jesus, "Where are your anticipatory set and objectives in the cognitive domain?" AND JESUS WEPT !!!!
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A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1998 Turbo Roadster. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The dude replies "A 1997 Turbo Roadster. They cost $500,000." "That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure" replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!" Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Suddenly, Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him, going 2, maybe 3 times as fast! The guy wonders, "What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo Roadster?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And it almost looked like theoldmanon the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo Roadster? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The guy jumps out and it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurt for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
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A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the pastor knocked several times. Finally, the pastor took out his card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door. * Revelation 3:20 -- Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10". * Genesis 3:10 -- I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.
by A.T. Gems |