1. "Hi! Now you say something."
2. "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of
these magnets."
3. "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, a hot tub, or any
subscriptions and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through
the office. If you are still with me, leave your name and number and they
will get back to you."
4. "This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought
recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for
calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I will think about
returning your call."
5. "Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We
know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please
hang up."
6. "Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
7. "Hi. This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
8. "Hi. If you are a burgler, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably
aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
Return to the Top of this Page
Email a Link to this Page
------------------------------------------------
To: All Employees
From: Employee Benefits Section, Personnel Service
Subject: Restroom Trips Policy (RTP)
Date: October 11, 1996
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective October 11, 1993, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time.
Under this policy, a Restroom Trip Bank (RTB) will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit (RTC) of 20. RTC's may be accumulated from month to month.
Currently, entrances to restrooms are being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition. During the next week, each employee must provide two voice prints, one normal and one under stress, to the personnel office. The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive for the month of October. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during this period.
If an employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, restroom doors will not unlock for his/her voice until the first of the next month.
In addition, restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush, and the stall doors will open.
If you have any questions regarding the new policy, contact your department supervisor.
Return to Top of Page
------------------------------------------------
A Train Ride Mystery
The story is told of four people who shared a berth in a train going from Paris to Madrid: a beautiful young woman travelling with her grandmother, and a handsome young army lieutenant who was with his commanding officer.
On the way the train passed through a tunnel, and the train became pitch black. Suddenly, in the darkness there was a sound of a kiss followed by a slap. When the train emerged from the tunnel, the four sat stone faced as if nothing had happened.
The beautiful young woman thought to herself, "That was a wonderful kiss, but my grandmother must have slapped his face and he probably thinks I did it and he won't pay attention to me again."
The grandmother thinks, "That's a fresh thing for that man to kiss my grand daughter. I'm sure glad she stood up for herself, I'm sure it will teach him a lesson."
The commanding officer thought, "This is terrible, she must have thought that I was the one who kissed her, wait until I get back to the base, I'm really going to give my lieutenant a piece of my mind."
And the handsome young lieutenant thought, "This was my day. I got to kiss a beautiful woman and slap my boss and get away with both."
Return to Top of Page
------------------------------------------------
Best Rum Cake Ever
Ingredients
1 or 2 quarts rum
1 cup butter
1 teaspoon
2 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
baking powder
1 teaspoon soda
lemon juice
brown sugar
nuts
Before you start - sample the rum to check for quality.
Good - isn't it? Now go ahead.
Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.
Check the rum again. It must be just right.
To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.
Repeat.
With an electric mixer, beat one cup cup of butter in a fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the quinest fality. Cry another tup.
Open second quart if necessary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit get stuck in beater, just pry loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity.
Next, sift 3 cups of peper or salt (it really doesn't matter). Sample the rum again.
Sift 1/2 pint of lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add a babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell.
Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess into the cover and ake.
Check the rum again, and bo to ged.
Return to Top of this Page
Email a Link to this Page
------------------------------------------------
What follows are ACTUAL announcements from ACTUAL church
bulletins.
1. Don't let worry kill you --let the church help.
2. Thursday night -Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16. "A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday."
17. "Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns forom a full choir."
18. On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
19. In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
20. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own garden."
21. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch
all the way from Africa.
22. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals".
23. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
24. Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing "Break Forth into Joy"
25. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
26. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands".
27. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring
your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun
time.
28. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say hell to someone who doesn't
care much about you.
29. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
30. The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the water'. The sermon tonight:
'Searching for Jesus'.
31. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
32. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.
33. The "Over 60's Choir" will be disbanded for the summer with thanks.
34. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people
who are afflicted with any church.
35. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
36. Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community.
37. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The
pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience".
Return to Top of this Page
Email a Link to this Page
------------------------------------------------
There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical
engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car engine shuts off,
leaving
the three engineers stranded by the side of the road. All three engineers
look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car
and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical
engineer,
not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming
emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up
with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in,
open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"
Return to Top of this Page
Email a Link to this Page
------------------------------------------------
A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Pastor to seek his advice. He tells the Pastor about all of his problems in the business and asks the Pastor what he should do.
The Pastor says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do."
The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind rifles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and sees what he has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Pastor. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Pastor a thick
envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the church in order to thank the Pastor for his wonderful advice. The Pastor is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him.
The man replies: "Chapter 11."
Return to Top of this Page
Email a Link to this Page
------------------------------------------------
The Coffin
A hearse reached the entrance to the cemetery at the top of a
hill, passing over a speed bump. Its back door flew open and out came
the coffin, still on its carriage with rollers. The coffin headed
downhill, in the middle of the street, gathering speed as it went.
As it reached the bottom of the hill, it was heading directly
for the front doors of a drugstore. The coffin sailed through the doors
and through the store, straight to the pharmacy counter at the rear.
The startled pharmacist watched with alarm as the coffin
slammed into his counter, the lid popped open and up sat the corpse who
said, "Hey, Mac ! Ya got anything to stop this coffin?"
Return to the Top of this Page
Email a Link to this Page
------------------------------------------------
Message for the Robber
A good Quaker gentleman was awakened one night by sounds downstairs in the living room. Realizing there was an intruder in his house, the Quaker gentleman took his hunting rifle, and standing at the top of the stairs, said,
"Sir, I mean to do thee no harm, but where thou standest is where I am about to shoot."
Return to the Top of this Page
Email a Link to this Page
------------------------------------------------
A Rude Awakening
The story is told of a Pastor who was frustrated because of one man who always seemed to fall asleep during the sermon. So the Pastor devised a trick, a way he thought he could embarrass the man so as to get him to break this habit. Near the end of a sermon concerning "hell", the Pastor, in a normal voice, said to the congregation, "Any one here today who wants to go to hell" - - then he raised his voice to a much louder volume - - "PLEASE STAND UP!"
Of course this woke up the sleeping parishioner who quickly jumped to his feet. After collecting himself for a moment, the man then looked at the Pastor and said, "Preacher, I don't know why I'm standing, but it appears that you and I are both in this boat together."
Return to the Top of this Page
Email a Link to this Page
------------------------------------------------
Simple questions with simple answers
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car
crash?
He's all right now.
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree
would kill you?
A pool table.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
What kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic?
Iceberg.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
Return to Top of Page
------------------------------------------------
Let's Work It Out
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!
Return to Top of Page
------------------------------------------------
Flying Fear
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her
business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she
always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One
time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he
gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all
that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the
whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I
will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
Return to Top of this Page
Email a Link to this Page
------------------------------------------------
Three Wise Men
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great
skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered
me. The
three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come
up
with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of
town, I
asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She looked at me
like
I was dumber than dirt and said "You darn Yankees never do read the
Bible!" I
assured her that I did but simply couldn't recall anything about
firemen
in
the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled
thru
some pages and finally jabbed her finer at a passage. Sticking it in
my
face she
said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'
Return to the Top of this Page
Email a Link to this Page
Back To Dr. Chadwick's Home Page
------------------------------------------------
Go to
- [next page] , or to page:
If You Have A 'Bit Of Humor', Please Send It On The Form Below.