A Bit of Humor
by Dr. Neil Chadwick
------------------------------------------------
Page 19 of 25
------------------------------------------------
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly
something
fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old
leaf that had been pressed in
between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear? his
mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
------------------------------------------------
1. Took your new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
2. Couldn't learn to water ski because you couldn't find a lake with a slope.
3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.
4. Got excited because you finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months and the box said "2 to 4 years."
5. Were trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on the phone.
7. When asked what the capital of California was; answer "C."
8. Burned your nose bobbing for french fries.
9. Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and you weigh 125.
10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
11. Hate M&Ms because they are so hard to peel.
12. Got hurt while raking leaves: You fell out of the tree.
13. Change the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said up to 20 pounds.
------------------------------------------------
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be
free to cross roads without having their motives being called into
question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road. "And the chicken crossed the road, and there
was much rejoicing.
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected
in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended
it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
------------------------------------------------
TO: Jesus, Son of Joseph.Woodcrafters shop. Nazereth. From: Jordan Management Consultants. Jerusalem. Subject: Staff Aptitude Test. Date :May 22/30 Thank you for submitting the resumes of the 12 men you picked for management positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests, and we have not only run the results through our computer but also have arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational consultant. It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability. Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale. We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau. James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeus definitely have radical leanings, and they both registered a high score on the manic depressive scale. One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind and has contact in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious and innovative. We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right hand man. All other profiles are self-explanatory. We wish you every success in your new venture.
------------------------------------------------
A shipwrecked sailor spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
------------------------------------------------
This is a story about a little girl who, on the way home from church, turned to her mother and said, "Mommy, the Preacher's sermon this morning confused me." The mother said, "Oh! Why is that? The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?" "Yes, that's true," the mother replied. "He also said that God lives within us. Is that true too?" Again the mother replied, "Yes." "Well," said the girl. "If God is bigger than us and He lives in us, wouldn't He show through?"
------------------------------------------------
A man in Florida, in his 80's, calls his son in New York. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out." He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this." She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING till we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night." The father agrees, "All right." He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"
------------------------------------------------
A Lutheran minister gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" And the minister says, "Just water." The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?" And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
------------------------------------------------
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut
through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery
they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty
shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and
chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You
scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you
doing working here so late at night?"
"Those jerks!" the old man grumbled. "They mis-spelled my name!"
------------------------------------------------
At the Country Church Sunday School, the new teacher finished the
day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Teacher," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figure
out."
"What's that, Joey?"
"Well, accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea,
right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er-right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel
"Again you're right."
fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin'
important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed the teacher.
"So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups
doin' all that time?"
------------------------------------------------
An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their
special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and
Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom
Kippur; Muslims have their holidays. EVERY religion has
its holidays. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized
national holidays. It's an unfair discrimination."
His friend replied, "Well... Why don't you celebrate April first?"
------------------------------------------------
Ever wonder why office staff are always dead tired by the end of the day and
companies
require no further physical fitness programs for their employees ???
REASONS BEING... Everyone gets enough exercise:
* Jumping to conclusion
* Beating around the bush
* Running down the boss
* Going around in circles
* Dragging their feet
* Passing the buck
* Climbing the ladder
* Wading through paperwork
* Pulling strings
* Throwing their weight around
* Stretching the truth
* Bending the rules, and
* Pushing their luck
------------------------------------------------
The Pope dies and goes to meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter escorts him in, and shows him to his
mansion. The Mansion is huge, with angels circling the outside, and a massive deck at the rear where the Pope
can watch the heavens in his robe and relax in his golden lounge chair.
St. Peter says, "Just make yourself at home, I have some errands to attend to and I'll be back to see that you're
settled in.". The Pope eases into his golden lounge chair, and a small angel brings him a cool glass of water to
sip, at which point a golden table appears out of nowhere, in just the right spot for the Pope to put down the
glass between sips. The Pope is amazed further to find that the glass is always full when he picks it up, never
running dry.
As he sits relaxing, the Pope watches other mansions float by on their clouds, and while finding them beautiful, he
also observes that his is larger than any of them, as befits a Pope. Then from a distance, the Pope hears this
amazing music; He looks to his left, and far away he sees a mansion ten times the size of his. Angels, cherubim,
and seraphim are circling it, and then there's that wonderful music.....
As the mansion draws close, the music gets louder, and louder, and as it passes by, the Pope has to cover his
ears, because of the sheer volume.
Later, St. Peter returns. The Pope says, "This is really wonderful. I have seen God's own mansion float by!
There were angels, cherubim, seraphim, and this wonderful music...". "Wait a minute," say St. Peter. "Was the
music really loud?" "Yes", said the Pope.
"That wasn't God's mansion, that was Jimi Hendrix' place." "Jimi Hendrix???!!!" said the Pope. "Why does he
have a mansion ten times the size of mine? I was the leader of the Catholic Church!"
"Settle down!" said St. Peter. "We get you Popes in here all the time. We don't get many musicians."
------------------------------------------------
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where the train
stops.
On my desk, I have a work station...
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with
"quit
while you're ahead"?
* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as
they get older, then it dawned on me. they were cramming for their
finals.
* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons
and
forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use...Toothpicks?
* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we
supposed to do ... write to these men? Why don't they just put their
pictures
on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
delivered
the mail?
* How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
the
OTHERS here for?
* Go ahead and take risks ... just be sure that everything will turn out
OK.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
* How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has
been
dissing them anyhow?
* Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why people appear
bright
until you hear them speak?
* How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
------------------------------------------------
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near
the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on
the way to the cafeteria. Little Johnny stopped and looked at him in
his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.
Little Johnny pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and
asked, "Do you have an owie?"
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab
looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to
Little Johnny, to show him. On the back of the tab were raised
letters giving the name of the manufacturer.
Little Johnny felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know
what those words say?"
"Yes I do," said Little Johnny, who was not old enough to read.
Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up
to six months!"
------------------------------------------------
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks: Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite
sides of the river and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sunup, Rufus and Clarence would go down
to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"Rufus!" Clarence would shout, "You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim, er I'd swim this river and
whup you!"
"Clarence!" Rufus would holler back, "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can't swim, er I'd swim this
river and whup YOU!"
Every morning. Every day. For 20 years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers came along and built a bridge. But the insults went on every morning.
Every day. Another five years.
Finally, Mrs. Rufus wife had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallered one day, "I can't take no more! Every day for
25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, thar's the bridge! Have at it!"
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. "I'm gonna whup Clarence!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge,
walked about halfway over the bridge, then turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed the door,
bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and dove under the bed.
"Rufus!" cried the missus. "I thought you was gonna whup Clarence!"
"I was, woman, I was!" he whispered.
"What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," whispered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I walked halfway over the bridge and saw a sign that said
'Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches.' He ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!"
------------------------------------------------
Reverend Henry Ward Beecher entered Plymouth Church one
Sunday and found several letters awaiting him. He opened one
and found it contained the single word, "Fool."
Quietly and with becoming seriousness he shared the letter
with the congregation and announced: "I have known many
an instance of a person writing a letter and forgetting to sign
his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of
someone signing his name and forgetting to write the letter."
------------------------------------------------
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell
phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following
conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink
coat. It is
absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500."
"Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001
models. I saw one I
really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price
... and since we
need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000!"
"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account
and...well, I stopped by to
see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at
last year. It's on
sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area,
beachfront
property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in
the bank to
cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. okay?"
"Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye. I do too."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding
the phone and asks
to all those present, "Does anyone know to whom this phone belongs?"
------------------------------------------------
A minister wound up the services one morning by saying,
"Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars.
And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse,
I should like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."
On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said,
"Now, then, all of you who have done as requested and read
Mark 17, please raise your hands."
Nearly every hand in the
congregation went up. Then said the preacher,
"You are the
people I want to talk to.
There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark!"
------------------------------------------------
Go to - [next page] , or to page:
If You Have A 'Bit Of Humor', Please Send It On The Form Below. |