A Bit of Humor
by Dr. Neil Chadwick
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Page 20 of 25
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An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came
upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the
curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just
discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart
failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator
replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the
amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the
mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000
Shekels on Goliath'."
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Poet Tree Without Mist Takes
Eye have a spelling chequer
Each thyme when I have struct the quays
As soon as a mist ache is maid
I've run this poem threw it
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A couple is driving to the chapel to get married. Tragically, they have an accident and both are instantly killed. They arrive in heaven, still so very much in love and petition an audience with God. They then ask God if they can still get married in heaven. God says that there is no reason to do so, it is not done, etc. The couple is persistent in professing their love and desire to be wed. God finally relents just a bit and says, "Okay, but first you must wait five years.
Five years go by; they are still eager to be wed, so they go to see God. An again, God tells them that they must wait another five years. The five years go by, and finally the couple has the wedding that they always dreamed of. However, after a few months, they begin to learn that being married is not the same as being engaged, and they appear before God seeking a divorce! God's response to their request: "What? I took Me 10 years to find a clergy person up here, and now you expect Me to find a lawyer?"
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There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope. In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected, smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant, and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope. Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?" After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called "Pope Secola."
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An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!
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This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in "The Washington Post." Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer": 1. So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me 2. I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy 3. If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going 4. At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...I Just Can't Remember It All 5. My Wife Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips 6. Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping. 7. I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian 8. Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money 9. Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional 10. IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be 11. Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law. 12. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen 13. The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt 14. If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You 15. Old Age Comes at a Bad Time 16. In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take. 17. First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
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1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. 11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. 22. It will however make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
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With your eyes closed for prayer, anything can happen in a room full of preschoolers. Prayer requests reveal a lot about parents. A fire extinguisher is a handy device. Helium tanks should be chained down tightly. Cheap glue adheres to skin. Kool Aid and song motions do not mix. Grand pianos are not as durable as you might think. Church maintenance men do not have a sense of humor. Offering money always rolls to the other side of the room when dropped. Hand-me-down sound systems can get loud when the adult service is taking communion. Ushers do not have a sense of humor. There IS a doggie Heaven. Parachute games should not be used in a room with a chandelier. Animal crackers can be sneezed out the nose. Girls are superior to boys. There are good reasons why pastor’s kids have a bad reputation. Helium intoxication does not render respect in a staff meeting.
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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, Ryan 3. The boys
began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw
the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would
say, Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."
Kevin turned to
his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus."
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1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
5. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
6. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
7. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
8. Help keep the kitchen clean -- eat out.
9. Housework done properly can kill you.
10. Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and
gone on to lead normal lives.
11. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
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1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the
leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the
liquor store.
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A Duke alumni neighbor read that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home so he moved!
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There was a construction worker who was working on a building when he fell
15 stories to his death. He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said
"Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell." The worker
agreed -- not like he could do anything else -- and he was on his way.
When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, "Ah! A new slave. We
shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits." Then the worker replied,
"That wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could
throw me in the pit afterward." So he fixed the wall. Satan, intrigued,
asked, "What else can you build?" So the construction worker went about
his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell
was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it.
Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, "I think there has been a
mix-up. That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven." Satan
replied, "No way -- he's built all sorts of useful stuff for us. We're
keeping him." God then said, "Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see you in court. We're
going to sue you for this man's soul and damages." Satan just laughed:
"And where are you going to find a lawyer?"
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I read of a guy who lived in Tennessee in 1889. His name
was Chadsworth. He apparently was a scoundrel, and
was finally hanged for horse stealing and train robbery.
The only known photo of him shows him standing on the
gallows. The inscription informs us: "Chadsworth, horse
thief, sent to prison in 1885, escaped in 1887, robbed
the Tennessee Flyer train six times, caught by Pinkerton
detectives, convicted and hanged."
Well, the family didn't really want that on the record so
they changed the story just a bit.
It read: "Chadsworth was a famous rancher in early
Tennessee history. His business empire grew to include
acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate
dealings with the Tennessee railroad. Beginning in
1883, he devoted several years at a government
facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with
the railroad.
In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation by
the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889,
Chadsworth passed away during an important civic
function held in his honor when the platform upon which
he was standing collapsed."
And some wag has recently added, "And thus passed
the very first hanging Chad."
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An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right
turn, and a moment later he heard a 'clunk.' He then made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk.' Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered
the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk."
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Once upon a time there was a king named Ed who reigned over a small county in southern Utah. He
was a good and wise king, but he had one very bad habit: King Ed just loved animals--all kinds of
animals--and he kept bringing them in the castle with him.
He had deer and water buffalo and foxes--all sorts of game in every room of the castle. The people
of the kingdom finally got fed up with this stinky situation, and decided that the king must be
dethroned and all the game returned to their natural habitat.
It was the first time in history that the reign was called on account of the game.
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One night while Mrs.Roberts was home reading her Bible,a thief entered her house to burglarize it.
Mrs. Roberts awoke and went down stairs. To her surprise she saw what was going on.Mrs.Roberts in a
evangelistic impulse shouted :"stop, Acts 2:38!"
The burglar surprisingly began to run. In the attempt to escape the
burglar is trapped by police officers and is sent to jail.
The next day the thief was interrogated. One of the Lieutenants saw it was very weird that the burglar ran away
before the police sirens were heard so he asked him:"why did you start running in the first place?" The burglar
replied :"that lady is crazy, when she caught me robbing her house she announced she has an ax and two 38'."
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On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan
tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up
a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight,
and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed,
he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He
slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was..
"Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls
at the cemetery.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend
he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said
the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down
at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one
for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.
Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they
peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see
anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one
last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence,
and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.
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HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit
on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea
how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball
cap like the other kids?"
BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a
little purple."
GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know
anything about this, Goldie?"
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start
cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your
hair?
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