A Bit of Humor
by Dr. Neil Chadwick
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Page 22 of 25
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent
and fall asleep. Some hours later Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see".
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars".
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears
to be approximately a quarter to three. Theologically, it's evident the
Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,
it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"
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A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
The father said, "Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
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A six year old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service:
"And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's bed." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, "The big sissy."
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In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to King because of his magnificent beard. His people believed that a man's courage and strength came from his beard and thus, the man with the biggest beard was their leader. As the years passed, Benny began to feel uncomfortable wearing the long and heavy beard in that hot and dusty climate. He wanted to shave it off. His counselors were shocked. One said, "Don't you remember the ancient legend? The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware." Benny discounted the legend and cut his beard. As the final whisker fell to the desert floor, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, but when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader. The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion: "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."
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After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys!"
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A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to The Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank you note to the Lord, which read: "Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and as usual, they deducted 95 percent."
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A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shot back in. They didn't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he said. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out."
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A teacher wanted to demonstrate the evils of liquor to his grade 5-class,
so he conducted an experiment with a glass of water, a glass of whiskey,
and two worms.
The teacher put the first worm in the glass of water. The worm wiggled
about, happy as can be. Then he put the second worm in the whiskey. It
writhed painfully, sank to the bottom, and died.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" he asked the class.
One bright student responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
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The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold
or not.
Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going
to be cold, and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be
prepared for a cold winter.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the
National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man
on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to
be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again,
"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the
Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap
of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again, "Are you
absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely, we made a study," the weather man replies, "the Indians are
collecting wood like crazy!"
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35. Government worker
And the number one top Oxymoron is....
1. Microsoft Works
A Sunday School teacher wanted to elicit the word HALLELUJAH from her class so asked,
"What is it people shout out with joy in our church?"
A bright young thing yelled out "BINGO!!!!!"
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Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At
the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and
watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three
engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind
them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets,
please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the
accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return
trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a
ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the
three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train
departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over
to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He
knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"
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Two friends, one an optimist, the other a pessimist, argued constantly from their own perspectives.
Finally, the optimist decided to win his friend over by taking him hunting. The two stood by the side of a small pond when a pheasant took to the wing. The optimist's shot was accurate, and the bird fluttered down onto the pond. An order was given, and the optimist's dog quickly ran across the water and brought back the fallen bird.
"So, what do you think about that?" asked the optimist.
The pessimist was quick with his answer,
"Well, I guess the poor dog doesn't know how to swim."
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Three sons left home, went out on their own, and
prospered. Getting back together for a reunion, they
discussed the gifts they gave their elderly mother. The first
one bragged, "I built a great house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes-Benz, complete
with a chauffeur." The third smiled and said, "I've got you
both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, but she
can no longer see well enough to read it. So, I bought her
a parrot that can recite the entire Bible! It took 20 monks
in a monastery several years to teach the bird how to do
that. I had to pledge $100,000 a year for 10 years to the
monastery, but it was worth it!
All Mom has to do is to name the chapter and verse and
the parrot will recite it."
Not long after, Mom sent each of her boys a letter of
thanks. She wrote to the first one, "Milton, the house you
built is so huge. I live in just one room of it - but I have to
clean the whole house!"
To her second son, she wrote: "Marvin, I'm too old to
travel. I stay home all the time so I never use the
Mercedes-Benz you sent. And the driver is very rude!"
But, to her third son she wrote, "Dearest Melvin, you were
the only son to have the good sense to know what your
mother likes. That chicken was odd-looking, but it was
delicious!"
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A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign
that said, "THE END IS NEAR! TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT'S TO LATE!"
They planned to hold up the sign for each passing car."
Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
"Do you think ," said one clergy to the other,"we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out'
instead?"
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A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted
through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a
ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he
announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and
said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung
again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball
carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He
straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest
hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He
missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
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I don't have many aches and pains
My doctor looks me over but
No matter who I go to see,
I see my ophthalmologist
My dermatologist comes up next,
My dentist plans new teeth for me,
And though I kid around a bit,
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Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold.
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance.
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow.
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner.
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher.
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God?
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
There was a Pastor that died and went to heaven.Upon his arrival he was
given an old shack to live in. He noticed a cab driver who had entered was
given a huge mansion.
The pastor had asked Peter why he was given this shack
after he had given his entire life to serving the Lord. He also inquired how
a cabby reap such a reward. Peter responed,"It's simple, when you preached
people fell asleep but when he drove people prayed "
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