A Bit of Humor
by Dr. Neil Chadwick
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Page 23 of 25
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A motivational speaker explained:
Every day in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it
must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed and
eaten.
Every day a lion wakes up. It knows that it must
outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
So, it does not matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle.
When you wake up, you had better be running!
A wise guy student retorted:
"No. That gazelle doesn't have to outrun the fastest lion,
he just has to outrun the other gazelles."
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Three men died and were greeted by Saint Peter. He took them in through the gate of Heaven where the
ground was completely covered with Ducks.
Saint Peter tells then that they must obide by one rule. They must not step on the
ducks.
About a week goes by when the first guy steps on a duck. Saint Peter comes down and admonishes the man. He brings
with him the ugliest woman that any of the men had ever seen. Saint Peter says as punishment for stepping on a duck you will
be bound to this woman for the rest of eternity.
The two men see this and make extra efforts not to step on any of the ducks.
About a month later the second man steps on a duck. Saint Peter comes down again, and again he has brought with him a
woman that was even more unattractive than the first. Saint Peter tells the man that as punishment he too will be bound to the
incredibly ugly woman for the rest of eternity.
The last man takes in what had happend to the other two men. Trying to avoind the
same fate he goes for months without stepping on a duck when Saint Peter appeared to the man. This time he had brought with
him the most beautiful and amazing woman that the man had ever seen. Saint Peter tells him that he has been very good for not
stepping on any of the ducks.
As a reward for his good deed he will be bound to the beautiful woman for all eternity. Saint Peter
leaves the two of them alone, and the man is overjoyed by his good fortune when he turns to woman and asked her how she got
there. She says, " I don't know about you but I stepped on a duck."
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A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are - I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common flies. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says,
"Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
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I was a supply preacher for a small town Texas Church, coming in early Sunday, preaching a sermon to the congregation, and then leaving after lunch. Arriving early one Sunday I sat down at a local donut shop, opened my Bible and went over my sermon notes. A man was sitting down the counter from me and he said, "You a preacher or something?" I replied, "Yes I preach at the Christian Church here in town." He got excited and said, "Hey, I'm a member of that church." The church was small and I knew all the regulars so I said, "I've been preaching there for about three months and I've never seen you there." He looked at me kinda strange and said, "I said I was a member of that church. I never said that I was fanatical about it!"
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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden,he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all your ways, I will grant you one wish" The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of all the challenges for that kind of undertaking.The supports are required to reach the bottom of the pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for such worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish that would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time.Finally he said, "Lord I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing' ,and how can I make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two or four lanes on that bridge?"
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A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now." The boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"
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I heard a story of little boy who got in trouble at church while everyone was giving in their prayer request. The daddy scooped the little boy up and made his way down the center aisle toward the back ,and on the way the little boy yelled out, "Pray Saints Pray !!!!!"
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Recently, when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 20 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have a half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twenty," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
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I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our
things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan
it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
So I said to her, "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK."
I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
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Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his
mother was making dinner. His birthday was
coming up and he thought this was a good time to
tell
his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike
for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at
home.
Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he
deserved to
get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of
course, he thought he did.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman,
wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the
last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think
about how
you have behaved this year. Then write a letter
to
God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your
birthday."
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room
And sat down to write God a letter.
Letter 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and
I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a
red
one.
Your friend, Leroy.
Leroy knew that this wasn't true. He had
not been a very good boy this year, so he tore
up the
letter and started over.
Letter 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend, Leroy. I have been a
pretty good boy this year and I would like a red
bike for my birthday.
Thank you. Your friend, Leroy
Leroy knew that this wasn't true, either.
So, he tore up the letter and started again.
Letter 3:
Dear God,
I have been an "OK"! boy this year. I
still would really like a red bike for my
birthday.
Leroy
Leroy knew he could not send this letter
to God either. So, Leroy wrote another letter.
Letter 4:
Dear God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am
very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just
send me a red bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew, even if it was true, this
letter was not going to get him a bike. By now,
Leroy
was very upset. He went downstairs and told his
Mom
that he wanted to go to church.
Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked
as Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time
for dinner," Leroy's mother told him.
Leroy walked down the street to the church
on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church
and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.
Leroy bent down and picked up a
statue of
the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt
and ran out of the church, down the street, into
the
house, and up to his room. He shut the door to
his
room and sat down with a piece of paper and a
pen.
Leroy began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5:
God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER
AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
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A girl was at kindergarden drawing a picture for her mum. The teacher walks up to her and asks what she is drawing.
"I'm drawing a picture of God" the girl replied.
"But no-one knows what God looks like the teacher said.
To which the girl replied: "They will when I finish the picture."
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What happens when a female cat swallows a ball of yarn?
She has mittins!
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A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
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Subject: TERRORIST CELL GROUPS DISCOVERED IN THE CHURCH
By Rev. Dennis Smart, alias Bin Readin
Edited by Carlton Earp, alias Bin Thinkin
Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating
in Baptist churches. (Maybe other churches also?)
Church security identifies these as: Bin Sleepin, Bin Arguin, Bin Fightin,
Bin Complainin, and Bin Missin. Their leader, Osama Bin Lucifer, trained
these groups to destroy the Body of Christ. The plan is to come into the
church disguised as Christians and to work within the church to discourage,
disrupt, and destroy the pastors and the churches.
Earlier reports of a sixth group proved false. A tiny cell known by the
name Bin Workin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in
the church. This group appears to be very weak. It is easy to
detect because it is the only group that is active in services to Christ.
Unlike the true terrorist cells, the Bin Workin team does not blend in with
whoever and whatever comes along.
Bin Workin visibly does whatever is needed to uplift and encourage the Body
of Christ. We have noticed that the Bin Workin cell group has different
characteristics than the others. They have Bin Watchin, Bin
Waitin, Bin Prayin, and Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ to
return.
Which cell group do you belong to?
These same groups have been detected in other denominations since Smart
first filed his report. The Office of Home Church Security is coordinating
its efforts with the Bin Workin group to interdict the activities of the
five terrorist cells now known to be active throughout many American
churches.
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Ten-year-old Patrick says, "Never trust a dog to watch
your food."
Nine-year-old Hannah suggests that when
your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" Do not
answer!
Michael is fourteen and has learned a lesson
from life: "Never tell your Mom her diet's not working."
Randy, nine, counsels you to, "Stay away from prunes."
Talia is eleven and writes, "When your Mom is mad at your
Dad, don't let her brush your hair."
Nine-year-old Andrew
loves his dog but knows this: "A puppy always has bad
breath, even after eating a Tic Tac."
Eleven-year-old Kyoko says, "Never hold a dust buster and
your cat at the same time."
Amir is only nine, but has
learned a sad lesson in life: "You can't hide your broccoli in
a glass of milk."
Eleven-year-old Kellie may have the most
practical advice of all: "Don't wear polka-dot underwear
under white shorts."
Lauren is already street-smart at age nine, and
admonishes: "Felt-tip markers are NOT good to use as
lipstick."
Joel is ten, and not feeling really good, and says,
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a ball bat."
Alyesha, thirteen, reminds all students: "When you get
a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom while she's on
the phone."
And eight-year-old Eileen says, "Never try to
baptize a cat."
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A drunk stumbles into a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher.
The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
The governor replied, "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."
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Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city
to deliver a series of speeches. At a banquet the first evening, he
noticed some reporters in the audience.
Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in
his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from
their articles.
One article that came out the next day, written by a
cub reporter, concluded with this line:
"Reverend Smith also told a
number of stories that cannot be printed."
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News Flash: Chicago.
The war of terrorism took a strange turn today as at airtime officials at O'Hare International Airport refused to let a 73 year old grandmother board her plane becuase she had in her possession two, six inch knitting needles.
Apparently authorities were worried that she may knit an Afghan.
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The Pastor said, "Today I've prepared a $10 sermon on fire and brimstone that will take me about an hour and half to deliver.
"I've prepared a $50 sermon
on the evils of sin that will take about 45 minutes to give, and
"I've got a 10 minute $100 sermon on love and generosity. We'll take the collection at this time to
see which one y'all vote for."
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