LIFE ACCORDING TO DR. LAURA
From the Bestseller:
"TEN STUPID THINGS WOMEN DO TO MESS
UP THEIR LIVES"
(New York: HarperCollins, l995).
by
There is something that separates human beings from being too simply
categorized as yet another animal, and that something is morality.
Without morality, we are no more than termites seeking survival and
gratification at every moment and at all costs. With morality we
transcend instinct. p 4
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The basic premise of my radio program and books has been that, regardless
of emotional angst or tremendous temptation, to be fully human and to
benefit maximally from the life experience, you must get back to the 3
Cs: Character, Courage, and Conscience. p 5
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I begin each hour of my program with "I've Got New Attitude," sung by
Patti LaBelle, because it expresses my belief that it is attitude,
infinitely more than circumstance, that determines the quality of life.
p 5
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There is no realization of dreams and purpose for either women or men
without difficulty, opposition, disappointment and failure. When the
French say, "La vie est dure," life is hard, it pertains to everyone
who's ever lived. . .In order to grow, you've got to face the fact that
painless change happens only in fairy tales. p 7
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Victimization status is the modern promised land of absolution from
personal responsibility. Nobody is acknowledged to have free will or
responsibility anymore. Everyone is the product of causation (i.e., "Such
'n such happened to me and made me do that.") There are no longer
individuals, just victims in groups. One such popular trend is "Adult
Child of Some Kind of Parent or Situation." pp 8-9
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You know the final excuse that really gets my hackles to full quivering
attention? It's when callers protest that they are "only human." ONLY
human? As if one's humanness were a blueprint for instinctive, reflexive
reactions to situations, like the rest of the animal kingdom. I see being
"human" as the unique opportunity to use our mind and will to act in ways
that elevate us above the animal kingdom. p 9
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A perfect illustration of these clashing definitions of humanity occurs
in the classic film THE AFRICAN QUEEN. Humphrey Bogart as Charlie, the
solitary sailor, tries to invoke the "only human" excuse when he attempts
to explain his prior drunken evening by saying that it was, after all,
only human nature. Katharine Hepburn as Rosie, the missionary, peers over
her Bible and aptly retorts, "We were put on the earth to rise above
nature." p 9
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I think most people go through life trying to figure out how to survive
each day. A goal? Build a Taj Mahal. A goal? Give someone else hope.
A goal? Learn something new, exciting, and then wonder about a new and
special use for it. p 20
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Although I'm always aware of being a woman, the most womanly I have ever
felt was when I was pregnant. Imagine, having life within your body;
being able to make, sustain, nurture new life. How special and
incredible! p 21
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Immediate gratification, pleasure, is all about perpetual and
irresponsible freedom. But freedom abused is freedom lost. We all clamor
to be free at all times with all things. If we truly were free, for
example, all traffic intersections would be festivals of blood and
twisted metal. . . p 21
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My caller, Becky, was in a self-proclaimed whirlwind of confusion because
she'd done something she knew was wrong, but did it anyway because it
made her too immediately uncomfortable not to. When I asked her what this
"wrong" was that she'd done, she said, "I let a man move in with me. .
.with me and the kids."
"Becky, why is that wrong?" I challenged.
"Because I have three small children and it's bad role modeling. Also,
he's probably not permanent, and he's not so good with kids. And I know I
should be independent and that this is not really a healthy
relationship."
"So you knew that letting him move in was wrong, but telling him not to
would have been too uncomfortable? What more would have been too
uncomfortable?"
(She retreats.) "Oh, I'm just so confused."
"This isn't about confusion, Becky, it's about laziness, desperation, not
holding on to principles and a lack of strength and courage. Now don't
run away from me again with the confusion gimmick. Based on what you
admitted to just a moment ago, what do you need to do?"
Becky responded hesitantly, "Become. . .independent. . ."
"And to do that you need to. . ."
"Rely on myself."
"And to do that you need to. . ."
"Tell him to go away."
"But then you'd be alone and you'd rather be dead with worms crawling in
your ears."
"Yeah, I think so," Becky admitted.
The quality of a person's life is only as strong as their weaknesses
ultimately dictate. Becky was making not being alone the most important
determinant of her behavior--important enough to put aside her values.
Becky knew what she had to do, but was't exercising her courage. I
reassured her that calling me took courage. Now all she had to do was use
that courage to follow through on what she knew was right for her and her
children. pp 29-30
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You can't afford to live in the land of "what if." Because you--and I
and everyone else--are living in the land of what is. p 66
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When it comes to a long-term, committed relationship: Love is not enough.
There are issues of honor, respect, mutuality, sacrifice, acceptance,
supportiveness, similarity of life values and morality, to name only a
few. They, too, don't come without struggling and striving, but, oh, are
they worth it! p 68
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I remember a series of commercials some years ago in which Orson Welles
intoned: "We will sell no wine before its time." Would that more women
would display the same attitude toward sex! p 70
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Sex never works as a hoped-for cure or anesthesia for feelings of
inadequacy, emptiness, shame, loneliness, fearfulness, self-disgust, and
more. Oh, that it had that much power! I have worked with so many
women, educated and successful or not, who have used a man's sexual
interest and approval as a means of buoying a sinking feeling of
worthlessness. The problem is that it just doesn't work for longer than
the moment--if that. p 79
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I want to stress this: No matter what your age is, sex--a powerful
experience and driving force--doesn't have the power to validate you or
your relationship. It's actually the other way around. Sex-too-soon can
end up making you feel even more self-denigrated, desperate--and terribly
alone. p 90
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According to psychologist David G. Myers, PhD, author of THE PURSUIT OF
HAPPINESS, seven recent studies concur that couples who cohabit with
their spouses-to-be have a higher divorce rate than those who don't. p
91
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I pointed out to Jessica that she is very insecure and that part of what
often makes very young women move in with a man early is their hope that
by association (preferably marriage) with the fellow, they will feel
better about themselves and about life. And you know something? It never,
never works that way. p 93
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Listen, the phrase is "happily ever after." All of us girls grew up with
that promise. So when you're an unhappy young girl, what better remedy
than living-in with a man? The problem is that happiness just isn't won
that easily--and it's not a matter of who YOU are with but who HE is with
(that is, you!).
You and only you have the power, the sole power, to make you happy. When
you blindly leap for a man, you generally end up repeating, reliving, the
pain you've been trying to flee. p 94
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Dr. Laura Schlessinger received her PhD in physiology from Columbia
University Medical School in New York, holds postdoctoral certification
and licensing in marriage and family therapy, and has taught at USC and
Pepperdine University. Currently she hosts her own nationally syndicated
radio show.
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