With much interest I have read your letter which indicated that your husband wants you to terminate the divorce process and seek reconciliation. We are encouraged with the report. Please understand that I am somewhat reluctant to offer advice without the opportunity of sitting with you and Bill, talking face to face. What you are dealing with now may represent one of the most serious seasons in your life. The way these matters are handled are so important, only the Lord Himself can give you the guidance you need.

On the other hand, because of our long term interest and care for you and Bill, I will share a few thoughts with you. As you read what I will write, please be very diligent and faithful to listen to the voice of the Spirit; if what I say applies, then He will confirm that to your heart; if not, then just lay it aside.

First. Proceed very slowly. Watch, listen, care - but don't decide. At this time, don't be talked into dismantling the divorce process - at best, if necessary let it be delayed.

Second. Continue to tend to your own inner well being. Make sure you are receiving from the Lord, on a daily basis, nurture and strength, seeing to it that your relationship with the Lord is growing. At the same time, pray that the same will take place for Bill. However, don't lecture him about this, just let him know that this is vitally important, and that you are quietly observing him as to evidence of his growing close to the Lord.

Third. Allow for Bill to take the leadership. If he brings up matters related to a possible reconciliation, let him talk, draw him out, ask him what he thinks needs to happen to bring about a restoration of your marriage and family. At first, don't tell him what you think needs to happen. You need to find out that Bill is thinking and praying sufficiently about these things and that he is receiving direction from the Lord about what needs to take place. Most importantly, you need to hear him take responsibility for the condition your marriage is in, and without him being told by you. Only when he comes to the humble admission that he was unfaithful to you, and he is convinced through the Holy Spirit's conviction that he has wronged you in this, only then will Bill be ready to take steps forward.

Fourth. In the meantime, keep moving toward the educational/vocational goals you have begun to establish for yourself, and continue to discipline yourself to give full attention to your children. These are huge demands, but the Lord will give you the strength. Of course you will constantly have thoughts about what you want to see happen concerning a possible reconciliation. Keep your thoughts close, write them down if necessary, and wait for the opportune time to share with Bill what you feel will be necessary as a process of reconciliation. It's likely that Bill will become impatient, and anger will be his way of handling this impatience. But remember that the very foundation of your marriage has been broken. The house needs to be jacked up and the foundation rebuilt, brick by brick. One of the things God needs to do with Bill is to enable him to learn how to deal with his anger.

What might a reconciliation process look like? You are absolutely right about the need for discussions in the presence of a Christian counselor. The best case scenario is for Bill to be the one to offer this, and take the lead in finding a counselor. He should go for the first appointment to be sure he is going to be comfortable with him or her. Then you would go once alone. Only if you both feel good about the person who will counsel you should a third appointment be made for you to go together. If you're not comfortable, you must be true to your feelings, don't back down at this point. Bill will need to start the search again. He may try to place this task on you, don't let him do that. Of course this will take time and require patience. But I am sure of this, without the assistance of a competent, caring Christian counselor, any hope of reconciliation is whistling in the dark.

You are correct in wanting to avoid a quick move back in the house. Of course this adds stress financially. But what is being tested here is Bill's willingness to support you freely during this extended period as you move toward reconciliation. It appears to me that one way you have not been trully married in the financial aspect of your relationship. Frankly, Bill needs to demonstrate to you that he is willing to sacrifice everything he has for you. He says he loves you? Love in marriage needs to be demonstrated by more than hugs and kisses. The Scripture likens the husband's love for his wife to that of Christ and the Church - He gave His life for His Bride. But you can't demand a change in Bill, you can only pray and watch for it. But if it doesn't happen, don't let yourself be fooled into thinking that reconciliation is happening.

As to the "dating" idea? If dates are quality times alone together, that's good. On the other hand, we have learned that "dates" are usually nothing more than two people trying to impress the other with their finer qualities, "putting the best foot forward" to win acceptance. A lot of energy is expended trying to mask the areas that need growth.

If I were to talk to Bill, I would say that one of the matters he has to deal with has to do with the loss of trust. It's as though he has overdrawn his "trust account" by thousands of dollars. He now has to bring that account back into the black by making regular payments, a dollar or two dollars at a time. The deposits are represented by such things as: kind words, moments of caring about your feelings, helpful deeds around the house he doesn't even live in, courteous, respectful and affirming comments, and kept promises. If the account is in arears $5,000, how many 1 and 2 dollar deposits will it take? If Bill is not willing to do this, there's little chance that the reconciliation attempt will be successful.

Now Sue, if both you and Bill are sincere in wanting the Lord to bring your family back together, that is a very noble desire, and certainly would be pleasing to the Lord. His strength and guidance are available to help you bring this to pass. Just don't pray for a miracle; God doesn't want to do this for you, He wants to partner with you and enable you to do the hard work of rebuilding your marriage and family. You will give Him the glory, even though you will do most of the work. But that's the only way you can hope to enjoy comforting companionship in your old age. You have many years ahead to enjoy each other, your children, and ultimately their children if God so blesses them and you. To take a couple of years to restore what has been breaking down for a dozen years should not be a surprise. And the result will be 2 or 3 dozen years of happy life together in the future.

You will have my full support and prayer. Keep writing to the extent that it is helpful to you. If you wish to share this letter with Bill, that will be O.K.

Sincerly in Love