Introduction:
Those who take time to work on their marriages are people who demonstrate that they care
for themselves, their spouse, their family, and their society. The goal of this "Workshop for
Couples" is to strengthen the institution of marriage, and to strengthen the marriage of each
couple. This is similar to fire prevention - it's best to have smoke alarms and extinguishers
in place - before the fire breaks out.
No one can do this for another married couple. Everyone must do it for themselves. If the
marriage is strong, it is not only to the wife's credit, it is not only to the husband's credit; it
is to their credit together. If the marriage is not strong, it is not only the wife's fault, it is
not only the husband's fault; it is their fault together.
All that any teaching on this subject can do is to inform, encourage, challenge, give hints
that may be helpful, and lead each couple to the One who has all wisdom. This teaching is
called a "Workshop" because the success is directly related to each couple's willingness to
work, and use the tools that are given.
A couple of years ago, this article appeared in "U.S News and World Report":
Save a Marriage - Save a Child - Save a Family - Save a Nation
"More than virtually any other factor, a biological father's presence in the family will determine
a child's success and happiness. The children of divorce and those born outside marriage
struggle through life at a measurable disadvantage, according to a growing chorus of social
thinkers.
"An astonishing 38 percent of all kids now live without their biological fathers - up from just
17.5 percent in 1960. More than half of today's children will spend at least part of childhood
without a father.
"The revised thinking is that it's the breakdown of families that feeds social ills. Fatherlessness
is the most destructive trend of our generation. The absence of fathers is linked to most social
nightmares - from boys with guns to girls with babies. No welfare reform plan can cut poverty
as thoroughly as a two-parent family.
"Some 46 percent of families with children headed by single mothers live below the poverty line,
compared with 8 percent of those with two parents.
"Raising marriage rates will do far more to fight crime than building prisons or putting more
cops on the streets.
"Divorce can increase an adult's happiness, but it is devastating to a child. One third report
moderate or severe depression five years after a divorce. The hurt may remain hidden for
years. They often grow up wary of love, marriage and family, and over a third have little or no
ambition 10 years after their parents part.
"Being a loving father and a good husband is the best part of being a man.
"Vice President Al Gore made this statement - 'It is true that there are a lot of marriages on the
margin where the kids are much better off if the parents tough it out and make a go of it.'"
Better than "toughing it out", let's do all we can to learn how to do it right - marriage is a
skill-based endeavor.
"By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the
rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches." Proverbs 24:3-4
"Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; Unless the Lord guards
the city, the watchman keeps awake in vain." Psalm 127:1
"Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed--not only in my presence, but now
much more in my absence--continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, For
it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." Philippians
2:12, 13 - God works, and we work - success in marriage is a partnership endeavor.
What is TQM? - TOTAL QUALITY MARRIAGE
In business, TQM (Total Quality Management) has to do with attention to process,
commitment to the customer, involvement of employees, and benchmarking of best
practices. According to this article, "TQM: More Than a Dying Fad?", Fortune, Oct 18,
1993, by Rahul Jacob: "There are five TQM rules to live by, which usually determine the
success of any total quality effort."
FIVE KEYS TO MAKING TOTAL QUALITY WORK
In Business -- The CEO must be visibly behind it. Speeches alone won't do.
In Marriage -- Is the spiritual leader (husband) willing to take responsibility
for the development of the marriage?
In Business -- Avoid tunnel vision. Ask what change does for customers.
In Marriage -- Marriage is not for selfish purposes. How will the improvement in
our marriage benefit others: children, extended family, church,
society?
In Business -- Limit yourself to a few critical goals. You can't solve two dozen.
In Marriage -- Vision oriented, not problem centered. If ours was a good
marriage, what would it look like? What is the Bible's pattern?
In Business -- Link changes to a clear financial payback -- and expect it soon.
In Marriage -- How will we know if the efforts we put into our marriage are
working? How can it be measured?
In Business -- Don't adopt a quality program off-the-shelf. You're unique.
In Marriage -- After prayer and receiving counsel, what steps will we determine to
take?
Total Quality Marriage then, means that a couple is willing to look at all marriage
components, and be committed to improve in every area. Husbands and wives will work
together, each taking responsibly for themselves, and the development of their relationship
with the other.
There are a number of worthy comparisons with business. In a restaurant there not only
must be good food, but care must also be given to customer service, cleanliness, location,
advertising, good credit with vendors and community relations.
In sports, team members need to know how to do many things well. Take baseball for an
example: players need to be able to hit, run, catch throw, cooperate with other team
members and be responsive to the coach. For it to be a winning team, all of these
ingredients, and more besides, need to be developed. In gymnastics, participants learn a
great number of skills for floor exercises, trampoline, bars, balance beam, rings, etc., as well
as constantly give attention to developing strength, coordination and balance.
So also in marriage, all components need to be evaluated and improved upon. This becomes
all the more important as our society changes, and due to the fact that partners come from
increasingly varied backgrounds. As in other areas of human endeavor, there is a need for
training. It must not be assumed that two people have come to marriage with similar
understanding and training. As people move from an agricultural based culture, the rules
change drastically.
Before looking at the five main components of marriage, it is wise to establish a commitment
between husbands and wives:
OUR AGREEMENT
Husband - Wife
1. ______/______ We enrolled in TQM because we want what is best for our
marriage; we will both participate.
2. ______/______ We agree that there are no easy answers, no simple solutions;
improving our marriage relationship will require dedicated effort.
3. ______/______ We are committed to improve the quality of our marriage.
4. ______/______ We are willing to spend time talking together concerning topics
presented in this workshop.
5. ______/______ We believe God can help us develop a healthy marriage.
6. ______/______ We understand that the well being of our family, our church, and
even our country will be affected by the quality of our marriage.
7. ______/______ We believe that if we follow them, principles taught in the Bible will
help us in our marriage.
8. ______/______ If difficult relationship problems arise, we will seek competent,
godly counsel.
___________________________ ____________________________
Husband sign . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wife sign
Five Components of a Total Quality Marriage
1. COMPANIONSHIP
2. COMMUNICATION
3. COMMITMENT
4. COMBAT
5. COMPASSION